Hangin' at The Woody (Occurred August-December 2004)

When I split up with my ex-wife (More on THAT crazy bitch later!), I celebrated my new-found freedom by doing what most guys who are in that transitional "I just got a divorce, let's act like I'm happy about my failed marriage" stage do. I drank. A LOT. I probably consumed enough alcohol to clean the cuts and scrapes of every soccer hooligan in Europe. I mean, I didn't end up in the E.R. getting my stomach pumped at 4 a.m. in the morning, or anything like THAT. But, I distinctly remember sitting in the bar one night after I had SNORTED (Literally.) my 3rd or 4th shot, and thinking to myself "Fuck ME! I really need to slow down!". Yeah. Tequila burns like a sonofabitch when you get it in your nostrils.

My friend, Turtle (I call him that because he sounds like the green sea turtle from Finding Nemo when he talks. He's a California surfer, what do you want from him, for Chrissakes?), started dating this chick that tended bar at the place next door to his job. She was nice enough, but she was a goth chick, so she was a little odd. Turtle had just ended his relationship with his son's mother, and he was happy to meet GothChick. I kept getting these phonecalls that consisted of him dominating the conversation by telling me how hot she was, and how I needed to come down to the bar, meet her, and do some drinking. Now, it's been my experience that, when a friend starts telling me how hot some chick he just met is, he's usually exaggerating a bit. Most of the time, she looks like a Backwoods Swamp-Donkey. But, there are exceptions to every rule.

So, one Friday night, as I was trying fight off the urge to call my ex-wife, I called Turtle instead. "Come get me, man. I'm feeling weak."

"No problem, dude, I'm on my way!"

And the adventure began.

The Kissing Contest

Now, The Woodsman was a bar in Springfield Oregon. It was your typical bar, low lights, pool tables, neon beer signs hanging everywhere, like I said, your typical bar. We all used to sit at something called the "Buddy Bar". It was, essentially, an island that was about 8 feet from the actual bar. I called it "Alky Island". For obvious reasons. The good thing about Alky Island, was that if you wanted a drink, you had walk by it to get to the bar. This made it possible to interact with pretty much everyone there at some point or other.

One night, this average chick was giving me the "hungry" eye. This means that she was interested, but had no idea how to approach me. I've got a big personality, I can be almost overwhelming at times. I've been told that it's a little intimidating. Fuck that, I'm a nice guy. You know, people always say that you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, but everybody does. So, after HungryChick had walked by 4 or 5 times, I grabbed her, and pulled her onto my lap. I thought she was gonna melt! I mean, why shouldn't she? I'm fuckin' awesome! She tells me that she's there with her best friend. "Oh, yeah? What are you guys into tonight?", I asked. She told me all about how her best friend had just broken up with her boyfriend, and one of the reasons was because she couldn't kiss. I immediately went in for the kill. "Kissing's important. It's the prelude to good sex. If you can't kiss, you're doomed to a life of shitty sex."

"That's not true", she replied, "I've had sex with guys who didn't kiss me at all, and the sex wasn't bad!"

"There's a big difference between "not bad", and "fucking amazing."

"Well, I've made out with her before, and I think she kisses just fine. But I think I'm the better kisser."

"Well of course you're gonna say that! Who's gonna admit to being a shitty kisser? I'll bet she kisses better than you!"

"Oh, I can prove it!" she hops up off my lap and runs to the back of the bar. Now, Turtle and our friend Einstein had been watching this whole exchange with smirks on their faces. "Dude, she's not coming back", Turtle said, "You fucking ran her off! Now she's pissed!"

"She'll be back. Watch and see." I replied. Chicks like that always come back. She had bad self-esteem, she was full of alcohol, and she had something to prove. I mean, come on! She hopped into my lap like it was nothing, and let me rub her ass for like 15 minutes while she talked about sucking face with her best friend, and didn't even know my name! A few minutes went by and I see her coming back with her friend. Good Lord. Her friend was as hot as she was average! "I told my friend what you said.", HungryChick told me. "She thought it was pretty funny, and wanted to meet you."

She jumped back into my lap. "We also decided to find out who the best kisser is out of the two of us. We're gonna have a kissing contest. We want you to kiss both of us and tell us which one kisses best."

Holy shit. Really? "I want you both to know, that I plan to be as impartial as I can.", I said with a smile. I proceeded to make out with first, HungryChick, and then, HotFriend. When I was done, every guy in a 25 foot radius was looking at me with complete envy. So just to be a dick, I did it again. Then I sat back, looked pensive for a moment, and told them, "You both suck." Alky Island erupted with laughter. They glared at me and walked off. Five minutes later, I saw them leaving the bar. People bought me drinks all night.